I still head up there...

I still journey to mount Tam by myself. I would go up there whenever the fog would engulf the city for more than a few days.

When you head up to the top, you break through and find one of the few places the fog never touches. Now I head there when the internal fog encompasses too much.

I started going there in the spring of last year. It was a troubling time. I went there for peace, and in the fields of gold atop the bay's highest peak, I would remember them. The five great loves of my life. Julie, Alisha, JD, Amy, Kala. I remember the peace of their hearts. I remember the storm, and I remember the monster I can be. I've carried such deep pain in my life. I've seen things that I will never share, been through things I can never actually get over. At times, numbed by the perspectives of despair, I have betrayed my deepest hopes, and echoing through me, have come the chains of abandonment and heartbreak.

I saw the silhouette of my father on the ridge one day between the clouds and the sky. He told me my ideas would change the world, and that I had everything I needed to do what he could not. I heard him calling out from beyond the grave, saying "now is the time"

I took my love to the top one day, and in the tears I could see the inevitable.

In this magical place, I have brought the despairs and scarcities of my life and found the peace and abundance of my soul.

Right now I miss it. I am down in LA in a transformational workshop, and if I could, I would drive down the silent road at the crest of the hill, pull off and hear the sway of the barley, lye down in the fields of gold, and remember the women who loved me fully, even in my trance of heartbreak.